he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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