So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
