saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
