I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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