I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
