I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
