i permit you to call me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
