After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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