Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
