the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
