I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
