Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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