rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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