you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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