he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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