Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
