I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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