I think my vagina is haunted
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
