He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
