How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
