went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
