Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
