I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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