apparently the secret to your success is patron
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
