I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
