just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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