Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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