Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
