a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
