I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
