So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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