i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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