Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
