i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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