I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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