NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
