I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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