Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
