I wish I only lived at night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
