Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
