Im at strip club and am horny
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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