I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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