Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
