piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
