Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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