I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
