I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
