Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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