So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
