Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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